How to step in without overstepping
Lots of us have been there: cringing at something unacceptable your mate has said or done. Maybe it was a wee comment, or a whistle directed a group of girls sitting near you or that walked by. Maybe it was an off story about someone from your school or workplace.
In any case, a cold sweat runs down your neck as you awkwardly laugh and hope the moment passes. The trouble is, although the moment might pass (after several years, it seems), the behaviour will likely come back like a big unwanted boomerang unless it’s challenged. What’s worse, these behaviours can snowball until the chance to step in is gone for good.
“Ach, I don’t want to overstep”. Well, worry not. Here are three ways you can step in and address their behaviour or attitudes with women without overstepping.
Send them a message (privately)
A DM, a text, an email, a hand-written letter sketched with feather and ink. Whatever it is, a private message can give you both an opportunity to quietly reflect on what’s happened in your own time. Whatever you do, try to keep this separate and respect their privacy. Last thing you want is the group chat erupting with gifs and roasts aplenty.
Speak to them (alone)
You could be going out for a bit of fresh air. You could both be waiting at the bar. It can be when you’re giving them a lift. It can be when you’ve been subbed from fives and you are sat on the bench, desperately both reaching for the same orange isotonic. Face to face conversations can be a great way of showing up for someone. Having an honest conversation somewhere private where you’re both comfortable is key, especially if you notice that a mate acts differently around the full crew or other people.
Check in the next day
If emotions are running high, it might be best to give it some time. You don’t want to escalate things. Later on, or the next day, you can make plans. Go for a walk. Go get something to eat. Being there for them is always appreciated. Paying for their coffee is optional.
However you do it, it’s important it comes from you, and in an environment free from peer pressure and when you’re both clear of mind (ahem, sober).
And how you do it is important too. Be yourself, be honest, but be kind: you’re not there to reprimand them, you’re there as their mate because you want what’s best for them. Tell them why you didn’t like it, why you think it’s harmful for everyone involved – including them. Tell them it can be embarrassing. Sometimes, all someone needs is a wakeup call. What’s obvious to you, isn’t always obvious to them.
You are a role model. Be a decent one.
Your actions set the standard for others. Stop sexual violence before it starts.
Support
You can find advice and information on the Police Scotland website.
Call Police Scotland on 101. In an emergency always call 999.