Every mate needs a spotter
What’s a spotter? Someone who swears that your last rep was ‘yep, all you, brother’? Or is it someone who notices a lot of odd manosphere content being shared into the group chat and has a quiet word?
The answer? All of the above. A good spotter looks after mates and steps in before failure. When it comes to respecting women and girls, it’s no different. Know the signs, be a better spotter.
Are they sharing a lot of offensive and bizarre content about women?
What your mates share online can tell you a lot about what is influencing them. If they’re posting or sharing content that puts women down, pushing conspiracy theories about dating from men with strange hand signals, blaming women for men’s problems, maybe it’s worth paying attention.
‘Here we go again, better just laugh-react it and move on’. It seems easier, right? But it just encourages them. Do yourself, your group chat and your social feed a favour. Don’t give them positive encouragement, and don’t let it slide.
Remember, not every meme or controversial opinion is a red flag on its own. But if it’s becoming a pattern, be curious and ask questions. Sometimes a word from someone they trust is what they need, not a faceless account in a comments section.
Plus, reducing nonsense might free up valuable digital real estate and help you shift plans out of the group chat (no promises).
Do they blame women and put them down?
Pay attention to how your pals talk about women when they aren’t around. Pay attention to how they speak to women when they’re out and about, or online. Are they labelling women as gold diggers, manipulative, shallow, easy? Do they use derogatory slurs when speaking about women? Do they seem to blame them for a lot of things going wrong in their lives?
It’s normal to get upset and frustrated in relationships, or if you have been rejected. But grouping women together as one, and as lesser people, isn’t right. It can be a warning sign that unhealthy beliefs are starting to take hold.
Do they take ‘no’ as a challenge?
Respecting boundaries is the basic component of healthy relationships. If your mate sees ‘No’ as a challenge to overcome, or negotiate, that is not normal. Maybe they think that girls like to play hard to get, and that keeping at it is key. Maybe you notice that they keep messaging or bothering someone who is clearly not having it.
A lot of harmful advice exists out there that tells men that being masculine and confident is all about not taking no for answer, and manifesting. Actually, confidence is being able to take no for an answer and move on. Be there to remind them.
It’s also possible your mate doesn’t fully realise they’re being a nuisance. If you have a bit of food in your teeth, and didn’t know, you’d rather someone told you at the start of the day, not as you’re walking home, right? Think of it that way. If you were out of line, you’d like to know. Be there to softly point them in the right direction.
Do they repeatedly pull the ‘It’s just banter’ card?
Your dire fantasy league performance might not be the focus of everyone’s laughter, but that does not mean you should just sit back and relax. Are women regularly the punchline of your mate’s jokes? Do they make light of consent, sexual violence or harassment, just to brush it off when challenged?
‘Calm doon, it’s only a laugh’.
Even if they don’t mean it, it doesn’t mean it’s not harmful. Not only can these behaviours cause a great deal of distress for girls, but it can also give your other mates the wrong idea and shape their beliefs. ‘It’s just a bit of banter’ isn’t a get out of jail free card.
You are a role model. Be a decent one.
Your actions set the standard for others. Stop sexual violence before it starts.
Support
You can find advice and information on the Police Scotland website.
Call Police Scotland on 101. In an emergency always call 999.